All your shitty jokes

One day a hunter took his trusty Winchester to the mountains to hunt for bear. He hid behind a rock that overlooked a beautiful valley and waited.

Soon a bear appeared by the stream which ran through the valley. The hunter aimed and fired. When the smoke cleared he couldn't see the bear.

Then there was a tap, tap, tap on his shoulder.

The man turned around and there was the bear, standing 7 feet high, towering over him. The bear said, "you tried to shoot me didn't you?" To which the Hunter replied, "Yes, I'm afraid I did." "Well," said the Bear, "in that case you will have to give me a blow job.

Having no choice in the matter, the Hunter did as he was told.

That night the Hunter was really angry and vowed to get revenge. So the next day he went to the same spot, only this time he brought a huge elephant gun. Once again the bear appeared and the hunter fired. After the smoke cleared the hunter couldn't see no carcass.

Tap, tap, tap. "You tried to shoot me didn't you?"

"Why, yes, I'm afraid I did."

"Well take your pants down and bend over. I'm going to have to screw you up the ass. Having no choice the Hunter did what he was told.

That night the Hunter was really, really angry and resolved that he would get the Bear no matter what.

This time he brought an M60. He went to the same spot and waited until the bear appeared by the stream. He fired off fifty rounds. When the smoke cleared, he couldn't see the bear.

Tap, tap, tap. "You tried to shoot me didn't you?"

The Hunter Gulped. "Yes, I'm afraid I did."

The Bear thought for a moment then said, "You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

This isn't my joke per say but an homage to Andrew Dice Clay

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,

So I fuck her, OHHHHH

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."
Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

A lumber jack was rushed to the hospital after cutting himself badly.
The doctor told the nurse to prepare a dose of pain killer.
"Don't bother Doc, " said the man. "I've been through a lot worse."
"More painful than this?" the doctor asked.
"I'll tell you about the second most painful accident I ever had. I was working in the woods one day and had to take a shit so I dropped my pants and squatted down without looking. I tripped a bear trap and BAM, the thing snapped shut on my balls!"
The doctor winced and said "That's terrible. But if that's only the second, what could be worse?"
The lumber jack replied, "When I jumped up, started to run and came to the end of that Fuckin chain!"

There was a bit of an emergency here the other day when a deaf and dumb kid fell down a well.

They got him out, but the poor bugger broke three fingers shouting for help....

So I was in a bar the other night and, as we all know, once a certain amount of beer goes down the flood gates open, so off I went to the pissoirs to relieve the pressure. I'm standing there, minding my own business, when this big black fella walked in. Now, when I say big I mean the height of a basketball player with the physique of a rugby prop forward, he had to duck and turn sideways to get through the door.

So I'm standing there, and suddenly I hear a *thud* in the urinal next to me and, like anyone who hears a strange noise, I looked to see what caused the noise. Jesus H. Christ, had an absolutely massive cock, it was like a baby's arm holding an apple, I suddenly felt a little "insecure", finished my piss, and went back to my beer.

Anyways, he comes out, walks up to the bar to order another drink, and we get chatting. I was curious, and asked how in hell's name he ended up with a pecker that size. He explained how, when he was young, his mum would tie a bit of string around the end with a weight on it, so it stretched over time. "Hmmm," I thought, "I wonder...". I mean, I've never had any complaints, and quite a few complements, but, as they say, "Every little helps" so I thought I'd give it a go.

You know something, it works. It really works.

Fucking thing turned black anyway.

Three cowboys were on their way home after herding a group of cattle to a ranch. On the way, they came across a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence. one man said, "Man, I'm gonna get some of this."

He began to screw the sheep. He asked if another man wanted to get some, and one of them said yes and he started screwing it.

After he got done, he asked the last man if he wanted some. the man said sure and stuck his head in the fence.

Why did the chicken cross the road?


Becouse your slutty mom is giving out free blowjobs on the other side of the road.

Hence, I also cross the road now and again.
Mostly now but fir sure again.

Why'd the semen cross the road?


Cause I put the wrong sock on this morning

dangledo said:

Why'd the semen cross the road?


Cause I put the wrong sock on this morning

Click to expand...

Lmao, best joke on this thread..

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, ‘How much do you charge?’
Hooker replies, ‘It starts at $500 for a hand-job.’
Guy says, ‘$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap, no hand-job is worth that kind of money!’
The hooker says, ‘Do you see that Denny's on the corner?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?’
‘Yes.’
‘And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well,’ says the hooker, smiling invitingly, ‘I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.’
Guy says, ‘What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.’
They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, ‘I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?’
The hooker replies, ‘$1,500.’
‘I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!’
The hooker replies, ‘Step over here to the window, big boy.’
‘Do you see that casino just across the street?’
‘I own that casino outright.’
‘And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.’
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, ‘Sign me up.’
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, ‘How much for some pussy?’
The hooker says, ‘Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.’
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?’
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

My wife came up to me this morning & said "You didn't hear a word I said, did you"

And I thought to myself.
"That's a fucked up way to start a conversation"

An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. After
a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first
saleswoman she sees and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a
me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman:
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly
and a-lots of curly black hair?"

"No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband."

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask:
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly
and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here
lickety split."

To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a
my tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no
lickety split!"

lokie said:

An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. After
a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first
saleswoman she sees and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a
me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman:
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly
and a-lots of curly black hair?"

"No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband."

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask:
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly
and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here
lickety split."

To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a
my tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no
lickety split!"

Click to expand...

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you-a such a fat-a-fuck?" Tony says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a eating it." Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!" Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you-a such a fat-a fuck?" Michael says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a eating it, it's-a so good." Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites." Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a?" Fredo says, "It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a pussy." Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's-a taste like shit!" Fredo says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/ethnicarchive/italianfatherjoke.html

GreatwhiteNorth said:

My wife came up to me this morning & said "You didn't hear a word I said, did you"

And I thought to myself.
"That's a fucked up way to start a conversation"

Click to expand...

well it better than " you asshole" when you walk into the door from work

mr sunshine said:

Why did the chicken cross the road?


Becouse your slutty mom is giving out free blowjobs on the other side of the road.

Click to expand...

Two guys walk into a bar... I forget the rest but your mother's a whore.

figured i would revive this

ME: I’m a little drunk.
HER: I know.
ME: You’re very beautiful.
HER: Thank you.
ME: Do I look okay naked?
HER: You do.
ME: Do you like my penis?
HER: It’s very nice.
ME: Big, too.
HER: Yes it is.
ME: What now?
HER: I have to call the police.
ME: Why?
HER: Starbucks policy, sir.

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs. The bar tender asked "Sir, you know you have a steering wheel between your legs, right?" He replied, "Yea it's driving me nuts!!"

John came home drunk, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife
and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, John."
John was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to
live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only
one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
John was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm
near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past.
"So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied John the hen, "but I have this strange feeling
inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've
never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said John .
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard... "John , wake up! You shit the bed!"