And here you still are, 20 years later. You survived. Who promised more to anyone?
You missed the point, again.
I don't want "to merely survive."
I want to Prosper.
And no, actually i didn't survive. I'm only alive today because others chose to help sustain me when i no longer could. I don't think they've ever realized that by helping me "survive," they're actually only perpetuating my misery, because there is no option, no means, no access, to what i would need, in order to thrive. But before i can ever thrive, i have to heal all the damage i've accumulated, which has surpassed my ability to cope, and has eliminated my ability to survive, and thrive, without help. I dislike the idea that people are helping me survive just to be miserable. I've been real close to checking out, many times... but, as always, there are a few things i still want to do, before i quit this game forever. If things go wrong and those things become impossible, i will push that goddamn button so fast, heads will spin.
I would gladly erase the last 20 years of my existence, and just die then, instead of having to waste time, effort and resources, to accomplish nothing but perpetuating my own misery.
As soon as i get a visit from the ghost of christmas past, i'm totally taking him up on the offer to never have existed in the first place.
Anyway, weren't we talking about the "American Dream" earlier? Something about hard work equaling prosperity? I've done shit loads of hard work. Any position i've ever held, i've excelled at. But the wage has never matched the work, and the money we make is worth less tomorrow, than it is today. So really, we're all making less than they claim to pay, and for more than most of us actually want to give.
My person is my business, and my labor is one of my many products. But if i keep absorbing the losses inherent in a buyer's market, i will have nothing left to sell, and will lose the business of my Self. In fact, i'm already much further along than that. I guess people who haven't been there, can't see it. So why bother discussing it? I should just stop communicating with anyone, and wait to die; right? Idk, i get tired of that life. I stay tired of pretty much everything. There are very few things actually accessible to me, that i actually want.
The part i feel guilty about is how i've developed a desire for lack of obligation, lack of requirement, lack of responsibility for anything i didn't choose, above all else. It's ironic, because that's the attitude that leads to a government taking over and making everyone's decisions for them. I'm constantly astonished that they managed to socially engineer the exact problem and reaction they needed, to manifest the solution they planned to implement.
But, knowing i likely won't live much longer, i can't really stay deeply interested in much of anything, because i know none of it will matter after i'm dead. Soon enough, i won't have to be part of any of this, anymore... so why bother to learn anything else? I will pursue exactly the knowledge required to do the few things i still want to do; everything else is pretty much irrelevant.