One Liners

how many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

who says it's dark in here?

julius caesar walks into bar. says bartender, give me a martinus.

bartender says, did you mean a martinii?

caesar says, i didn't order a double.

My wife once told me that women require a lot of time and consideration. I wish I had listened to her now. The police found her body in the woods almost straight away.

how many agnostics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

we can never know.

my girlfriend told me to come over. she said no one was home.

so i get over there, and no one is home!

(thanks to rodney dangerfield, rip)

That's hotter then a whore in church
colder then a well diggers' ass in Alaska

mushroom walks into a bar, says bartender, give me a tequila.

bartender says we don't serve mushrooms here.

mushroom says why not, i'm a fungi.

how many yale grads does it take to screw in a light bulb?

two: one to call an electrician, another to make martinis.

24 hour banking?

i don't have time for that.

credit to stephen wright

Him: That reminds me of a joke about my penis.... naw, nevermind, it's too long.
Her: Haha, well that reminds me of a joke about my vagina... naw, nevermind, you wouldn't get it.

Went to a club in Essex at the weekend.
A woman stormed up to me and said, "Are you looking at my tits?"
I said, "No, not at all"
She said, "Well, why the fuck not?"

Whatever time of the month my girlfriend crashes my car, I always put it down to PMS.

Poor Motoring Skills.

Told the wife about a dream I had the other night...........I dreamed that they had a store where you could buy any size pussy you wanted...........
The wife said, "Did they have any like mine"?
I said, "Yes, they did. They were icing down beer in one, and throwing the empties in the other".

A wise old man once said to me..."Ok! Ok!... I'll tell you where my savings are! Just please stop hitting me!"

"You have no idea how amazing you look and how much it means to me being with you right now. I wouldn't change you for anything, at this point in time" Is what I said to my wife at her funeral.

Going on Dragon's Den next week. I invented an advent calender for Jehovah's Witnesses.

Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off

My girlfriend tells me that I never satisfy her in bed and that I'm a loser.

So I entered a wanking tournament and came first. That'll show her..

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives, where people that knock on the door are let inside without a thorough inspection of their identity

two men are out playing golf and they see a funeral procession. the one man takes off his hat as the procession passes. the other man says, that was a very nice thing for you to do.

the man put back on his hat and said, it's the least i could do, we were married for 40 years.

a man and his wife are out playing golf, and they both hit their drives into the woods. she tries to pull off a shot but hits a tree, the ball ricochets back and hits her, killing her.

a month later the man is out playing golf with his buddy and they both hit their drives in the same spots. the friend is about to try the same shot that the wife hit, but the man warns him: don't try that shot! last time i ended up making triple bogey.