Listen to me: Your are having what is called, "the existential dilema". Sooner or layer, MANY people come to that exact same question----what is the POINT?
Ive suffered from pretty severe depression off and on for about 40 years and there's rarely a week that goes by that I dont think about suicide, during the depressed times. Then for no reason I can see, the depression will lift and for a period of time I feel fine and cant believe I was actually considering suicide yesterday.
This is what 40 years of depression has taught me: the desire to die is a SYMPTOM of DEPRESSION. So is lack of energy, loss of sex drive, sleep disturbance (either cant sleep OR sleep way too much).
How old are you? Is this your first experience with the Big D?
Reason I ask is, you may or may not be clinically depressed. As I said, even "normal" people often come to the point of asking, "WTF"?
The only reaon to live, as I see it, is Love. Any kind. Love of your spouce, or your parents or even your pets.
For me, it's my dogs. My spouce and only child are deceased. I have no brorhers or sisters, no living relatives at all. But I do have three dogs.
When Im in The Hole and ask myself, "Is today the day?" The answer is, "NO. I will not abandon my dogs. I know they would never abandon me. The idea that somebody would come and take them to the Pound....and probably put to death....is enough reason to keep this old fucker sucking wind.
So.....who loves you? Who do you love? If the answer today is "nobody", then think about this: Suppose you would meet THE Love of Your Life sometime soon and be happy forever. Only....you missed it because you blew your head off a week earlier.
Seriously....if you're 70 and have cancer, fuck it. Load up. But if you're under 90, LOL....and your health is good, stick around just to SEE what happens next.
You might oughta go see a shrink a few times and maybe even get a script for Prozac or something.
Regarding religion and the afterlife and so on..... I personally believe there is some kind of continuation after we leave our body and I think there is some reason we're here, in a body, for the 70 or 80 years we usually get. My wife got 38 years. My son got 9.
We all get what we get.
One thing I do know is, nobody really WANTS to die. We want to be happy. But, some of us think we will never be. Therefore death is the next best thing. If happiness isnt possible, at least we can die.
However, since none of us knows for sure what happens next, we also cant be sure if maybe there IS a god and maybe it pisses him or her off when we choose to die. Maybe it screws up the Course of Events, everything that would have happened IF we hadnt stepped in and changed everything by our decision to end it all.
For instance, suppose there IS a Point, but we just dont know what it is, right?
Suppose on July 7, 2017 there is going to be a fire in a garbage can in the lobby of an apartment building at 2 in the morning. Suppose YOU are supposed to be walking by at just that moment, see the garbage can burning, run in and stomp it out. The, you continue on your way, not knowing that IF you had NOT been there, nobody would have seen that small fire and an hour later, the whole building would be in flames, killing 300 peopole.
In other words, maybe you and I dont GET to know "the point". That doesnt mean there aint one.
On another note, perhaps we make our own point. What are you passionate about?
For me, it's animals. I would do pretty much anything to protect dogs, cats, horses, whatever. Even if there is nothing past death, if I can help X-number of animals during my crappy little life, then my crappy little life DOES have pirpose. If I die today, knowing I have done my best to help unwanted dogs and cats who have come my way, then fick it, THAT was my Purpose and I'll die knowing I did my best and made a difference for those poor homeless little guys.
So...what are you passionate about? Take that passion and run with it.
If you feel that you have NO passion, trust me, you ARE clinically depressed and need to see somebody who can write a script. Prozac really does work.
I totally understand what you're going thru. I, too, have wondered if I could really squeeze the trigger. I have six friends/aquaintances who have--one hanged herself, one used poison and the rest did pull the trigger. So....clearly, it IS possible. I mean, people have done it. I think I could....but then again, LOL. It's one thing to THINK about it, ya know? I just feel like there are too many unanswered questions. For instance, what if reincarnation is the Deal? Then Im afraid killing myself in this life might fuck up my next life. Or, maybe Life is a gauntlet and the Point is to make it all the way through in order to "win".
Who knows?
I can say, however, that according to Orthodox Jews, there are 3 OK reasons to commit suicide:
If you are enslaved
If you are forced to deny God
If you are terminally sick and in pain
I hope you'll stay alive. If you want to PM me or talk further, feel free.
CW