what in the necro penis threads....
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Necro Penis?
King Tut's Very Flammable 3,300-Year-Old Erection
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WARNING: This entry contains a centuries-old mummy dick. So, y'know, bookmark away.
When most of us think of mummies, there are two things that come to mind: Tutankhamun's classic golden burial mask and that time Arnold Vosloo puke-screamed all of those bugs at us way back in 1999. What we don't usually consider is the fact that King Tut himself was mummified with a 90-degree boner for all eternity, because when you die you're surrounded by slamming goddesses with confusing lion and cow heads.
Yes, King Tut was sporting a morning woody when his tomb was opened in 1924 -- he
was a teenager when he died, you know. One theory suggests that the embalmers back in ancient Egypt took the time to stuff their dead king's junk as
a response to the catastrophic religious movement his father started during his reign. In a way, Tutankhamun's erect penis could almost be called a declaration of holy war, a return to the old ways that made Egypt prosperous before Tut's dad turned everything upside-down. And, after all, what better way to make a political statement than through a penis encased in a tomb for thousands of years?
This postmortem intervention was all a way to make Tut look like -- and in theory, become -- Osiris, the god of the underworld. You know, this guy:
Osiris is most often depicted as a man with jet-black skin, a tall white crown, cocked-out elbows, and, of course, an erect phallus. Tut's embalmers coated his skin with black resins and oils in homage to Osiris, but it appears to have been a very shitty rush job, because
brown patches on his tomb from microbial activity indicate that the place was sealed while the paint on the walls was still wet. To top everything off, scorch marks on the walls of the tomb and charring on the body indicate that the boy-king ended up
catching fire sometime after that. Just remember that the next time you complain about a handjob: At least your penis didn't explode.
Continuing this calamity of errors, when Tut's body was first examined by Howard Carter and anatomist Douglas Derry, his dong immediately
broke off (Tut's, not Derry's) and was not seen again until decades later, when scientists conducting a CT scan believe they found it lying in the sand beneath his body. No wonder so many people involved in the dig
died mysteriously: They didn't just mess with a mummy; they
messed with his dick.
