riddleme
Well-Known Member
To truely share them right click on the original pic and save picture as on your computer then upload them here, that way they will always be here
Joke of the day
- Thread starter mygirls
- Start date
mygirls
Medical Marijuana (MOD)
seeive been just copying and then pasting here.
mygirls
Medical Marijuana (MOD)
>
Things that I found helpful by living this long.
The purpose of fighting is to win..
The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either... The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.
1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
2.. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'
6. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'
7. Beware the man who only carries one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!
But wait, there's more!
I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I said, of course it is loaded, it can't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?' My reply was, “No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too”.
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> HAVE A NICE DAY But don't Monkey with Me...
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> HAVE A NICE DAY But don't Monkey with Me...
>
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mygirls
Medical Marijuana (MOD)
Wisdom of the older man.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere….'
streetlegal
Well-Known Member
what do u call all the loose skin around a womans vagina?
the woman
the woman
mygirls
Medical Marijuana (MOD)
It Pays To Be Able To Speak
Pennsylvania Dutch!
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts:"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!" (which means: "Don't drink the water. The cows and pigs have shit in it!)"
The man shouts back: "I am a Muslim. I don't understand, nor do I care to understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts:"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!" (which means: "Don't drink the water. The cows and pigs have shit in it!)"
The man shouts back: "I am a Muslim. I don't understand, nor do I care to understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!
The Amish man shouts back in perfect English,
"Use two hands, you'll get more!!"
mygirls
Medical Marijuana (MOD)
let me see if i got this right.
if you cross the north korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labor.
if you cross the iranian border illegally you are detained indefinitely.
if you cross the afghan border illegally, you get shot.
if you cross the saudi arabian border illegally you will be jailed.
if you cross the chinese border illegally you may never be heard from again.
if you cross the venezuelan border illegally you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.
if you cross the cuban border illegally you will be thrown into political prison to rot.
if you cross the u.s. Border illegally you get
if you cross the north korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labor.
if you cross the iranian border illegally you are detained indefinitely.
if you cross the afghan border illegally, you get shot.
if you cross the saudi arabian border illegally you will be jailed.
if you cross the chinese border illegally you may never be heard from again.
if you cross the venezuelan border illegally you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.
if you cross the cuban border illegally you will be thrown into political prison to rot.
if you cross the u.s. Border illegally you get
- a job,
- a drivers license,
- social security card,
- welfare,
- food stamps,
- credit cards,
- subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house,
- free education,
- free health care,
- a lobbyist in washington
- billions of dollars worth of public documents printed in your language
- the right to carry your country's flag while you protest that you don't get enough respect
- and, in many instances, you can vote.
mygirls
Medical Marijuana (MOD)
The yard sign...
My neighbor is a "lefty" of sorts (Obama bumper stickers, gung-ho socialized medicine, "guns should be banned", etc.). So a couple months ago I put this sign up in my yard after one of his anti-gun rants at a neighborhood cocktail party.
The sign wasn't up more than an hour before he called the police and wanted them to make me take down the sign.
Fortunately, the officer politely informed him that it was not their job to take such action without a court order and that he had to file a complaint "downtown" first, which would be reviewed by the city attorney to see if it violated any city, county, or state ordinances, which if there was a violation a court order would be sent to the offending party (me) to "remove the sign in seven days".
After several weeks he was informed that the sign was legal (by a quarter of an inch) and there was nothing the city could do, which obviously made him madder.
I tried to smooth things over by inviting him to go shooting with me and my friends at the hunt club but that seemed to make him even more angry. I then asked him if he wanted to go to a Tea Party rally but again he declined my outreach efforts to bring about a better understanding between political and social opponents.
I am at a loss how to reconcile our long relationship (notice I did not say friendship), any suggestions would be welcome.
Anyway, that's life in our neck of the woods, how's about yours?
Scroll down for sign
My neighbor is a "lefty" of sorts (Obama bumper stickers, gung-ho socialized medicine, "guns should be banned", etc.). So a couple months ago I put this sign up in my yard after one of his anti-gun rants at a neighborhood cocktail party.
The sign wasn't up more than an hour before he called the police and wanted them to make me take down the sign.
Fortunately, the officer politely informed him that it was not their job to take such action without a court order and that he had to file a complaint "downtown" first, which would be reviewed by the city attorney to see if it violated any city, county, or state ordinances, which if there was a violation a court order would be sent to the offending party (me) to "remove the sign in seven days".
After several weeks he was informed that the sign was legal (by a quarter of an inch) and there was nothing the city could do, which obviously made him madder.
I tried to smooth things over by inviting him to go shooting with me and my friends at the hunt club but that seemed to make him even more angry. I then asked him if he wanted to go to a Tea Party rally but again he declined my outreach efforts to bring about a better understanding between political and social opponents.
I am at a loss how to reconcile our long relationship (notice I did not say friendship), any suggestions would be welcome.
Anyway, that's life in our neck of the woods, how's about yours?
Scroll down for sign
g0ld3n3y3
Member
My wife and I took the kids up the park the other day, we was having a great time, it was a beautiful day and the kids were playing on the grass with a ball. As we watched we saw a kid showing off with his really impressive, expensive looking kite. Both he and my daughter were not looking where they were going and bumped into each other, my daughter turned to the boy and said sorry and then totally uncalled for this lad just said get out of the way and pushed her hard enough that she fell to the ground. She came over to us understandably upset, while my wife ensured she wasn't hurt I had a brilliant idea. So told my daughter not to worry and that I knew the perfect way to teach that little brat a lesson. And I picked up my wifes handbag and soon i found what I was looking for, a small pair of nail scissors she keeps in there, I showed them to my daughter and winked at her, and she gave a cheeky little giggle as I stood up and started quietly going after the boy with the kite. He was too busy to even notice me and I got right up behind him, slowly i took the scissors from my pocket, held them up, and.... 
well I think you can guess rest Thats right, I stabbed him in the face 
well I think you can guess rest Thats right, I stabbed him in the face 
dura72
Well-Known Member
A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person..
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment..
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person..
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment..
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old
edsthreads
Well-Known Member
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.
When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up..."
"I've already said No, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..."
"No! I've said NO!"
"My love... Don't be like that..."
At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"
When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up..."
"I've already said No, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..."
"No! I've said NO!"
"My love... Don't be like that..."
At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"
mygirls
Medical Marijuana (MOD)
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the
small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too
much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway
I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when
it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the
small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too
much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway
I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when
it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
mygirls
Medical Marijuana (MOD)
*41 YEARS OF MARRIAGE....*
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 41st wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.......
SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 41st wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.......
SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH
mygirls
Medical Marijuana (MOD)
so i was at the casino with the wife 2nite and i was siting at the black jack table watching her feed them fucking slot machines, and i came up with this joke.. tell me what u think.
WHAT DO WOMAN AND SLOT MACHINES HAVE IN COMMON......... THERE BOTH TAKE UR MONEY
WHAT DO WOMAN AND SLOT MACHINES HAVE IN COMMON......... THERE BOTH TAKE UR MONEY